Testing

This is my first attempt at a blog and I really don't know if I am going to like it or keep up with it, hence the title of the blog. Admittedly, I didn't realize I was naming the whole blog, I thought I was just naming this first "episode," but either way, the name kind of works.

I have been testing a lot of things in my life lately: I am trying out this blog thing; I recently got a Twitter account; next week I have training to become a volunteer at Anchorage Animal Care and Control; in March I'm doing a BOW workshop (Becoming an Outdoor Woman); I signed up for an account with mythoughtcoach.com and have been doing daily affirmations and meditations in the hopes of improving certain aspects of my life.

You see, the last few years I have been in a rut of sorts. I feel like I've come out of it a little from time to time, but I always seem to fall back in and I just can't figure out what I need to do to get out and stay out. I feel like I am still trying to find my place and purpose in life, the thing that makes me feel whole and if not happy, more complete or fulfilled.

At the very moment of writing that last comment, I finally realize how to express what I've been wanting all along-- I am looking for fulfillment. I don't always feel fulfilled with my job or my friendships or my relationships... or with myself. I really believe there is something out there that could give me the sense of fulfillment I am looking for, but I have been looking for it in all the wrong places, and at times, I haven't put any effort into looking for it at all.

I don't think that something like finding the right job, for instance, will give me a new outlook on life in general and make everything better. I don't think that if I change who my friends are, or jump into a relationship with a new man, that I will suddenly be fulfilled in all aspects of my life. Sure, maybe those things will be quick fixes, but I know now that if I want to achieve this feeling of completeness and fulfillment, I have to find it in myself. Once that happens, all the other stuff will fall into place. Once I am fulfilled in myself, I will have the confidence to go after the job I've always wanted or even turn something I love into a job. When I am more confident and fulfilled in myself, I will have better friendships because I will be a better friend, and I will attract the kind of man I want to be in a relationship with because I will be a more attractive person.

I am working on all that right now... testing it out as it were...